A Beautiful Nightmare

One of the ways my mental health impacts me spiritually is that I am disassociative. Which means I struggle with being present in my body in the here and now. This is caused by trauma. I have often lived in times when the present reality was not safe for me to experience, my emotions were not responded to and so I learned to abandon them, or that my anxiety was so overwhelming I needed to find a way to leave my body. Disassociating was how I learn to cope with the things I could not control or physically deal with.

Now as an adult, disassociating is a response to anything that feels like an aggravation to my nervous system. Some days I might disassociate and not even know I’ve been gone. And sometimes it’s just this constant urge to want to escape my reality, by consuming my mental space with mindless things like scrolling the Internet or ruminating on my thoughts, or about other people, replaying moments that have already occurred.

My spirit guides and ancestors are very well aware of this, and give me the most grace. Not only do they want me to heal, they want me to live a life of rest. They know exactly who I am and they know how this lifetime has wounded me. My spiritual journey started as a healing journey. The work that I do with my clients is based on my capacity and my availability to be present. I used to feel a type away about it, like maybe I’m too wounded to be a healer. I used to deny my worth and my deservingness because of it.

I don’t anymore. I realize now that my life purpose is to embody the fullest expression of my soul. And being someone’s energy healer and spiritual advisor is not all that I am. Talking to the dead is not all that I’m here to do. As fulfilled as I am by my spiritual work, I am not here to be your favorite Internet priestess.

Ironically, being disassociative is not as bad as it seems for a woman whose always been more of an entity than a person anyway. Do I actually need to be here fully? Is this present, the one that most of us share, the one where I am best served? Only the ones who walk the line between sanity and insanity can understand what I’m saying. I’m very comfortable in other realms, in alternative states of being and I travel regularly. I definitely want to improve the focus and concentration of my travels but the door to the other side is my playground.

I think for me, in 2022, the transmutation of my trauma it’s going to look like fully immersing myself into the magic of it. I do not need any plant medicine to take me into my subconscious. With my eyes opened or closed, I can see other worlds.

And what I will pull from those worlds are stories, stories that need to be told to the collective. An offering of remembrance. My greatest work is not going to be the people whose lives I transformed, but the humanity that I called back into its purpose. And my ego is not too large to believe I’m the only one here to do it.

There are weavers who thread the fabric of humanity and I am one of them. They take in the full scope of our collective history, like archaeologists who can read millions of years in the layers of earth, and decide what needs to be woven into the tapestry next. We are the mothers mothers mothers. Ancient and original. it’s time to take up my post.

And I get to do this in the comforts of a warm blanket on a soft bed covered by satin sheets. Despite what everybody wishes was true, our collective evolution does not require our bodies be punished, overworked, burdened, belabored and exhausted. And when the revolution does come it will be in the name of peaceful naptime. Nobody wants war, we want to sleep. And I’m here to make sure that our souls get time to rest.

Sweet dreams y’all